Posted tagged ‘relationships’

Hand Holding and Sex

August 21, 2009

I shocked a male friend of mine the other day when I was telling him about a terrible date I had about 7 months ago. The date wasn’t the part that rocked him, it was a throw away comment I made regarding the date that did it.

My bad date, a.k.a Mr. Riddles due to his proclivity for insisting on leaving me riddles to solve each and every time he left my presence, did a great many things to bother me during that interminable evening we spent together, but nothing was quite as uncomfortable as the hand holding. Oh dear, the hand holding.  I’m gesturing wildly while telling my friend about how Mr. Riddles and I ended up wBad datealking around the town square at one point, heading back towards the bar and the welcome effects of numbing beer…and then he did it. Mr. Riddles reached for my hand.

I pause at this point to tell my friend something a lot of people don’t know about me.

“You know, I think hand holding is almost…well, it is more intimate than having sex.”

“What?!? You do?! I’m surprised to hear that, especially from a woman.”

I shrugged. What else can I say? It’s the truth, I do feel that way. Rather strongly. I didn’t even realize I felt this way fully until that date. Setting aside that topic for a moment, I went on to describe the several attempts Mr. Riddles made to procure my hand that evening  – not taking the hint each time I yanked my hand back to play with my hair, pick at my nails or even when I did nothing but stare. It is unlike me to be so obviously off-putting, but apparently boys from Boston are dense…or just incorrigible. Maybe both.  Regardless, Mr. Riddles never got the hint and I eventually had to forcefully pull his arm from around my waist and say firmly that it was time for the evening to end.

My friend began to question me about this hand holding issue mid-story though, so he missed out on the ending. It’s a doozy of an ending, but I’ll save that for another time. After being asked to rate my comfort level with hand holding against other forms of intimacy, my answers continued to surprise my friend. As far as intimacies go, hand holding is right up there at the top. I’ve dated and kissed my fair share of boys and men, but I’ve only been comfortable holding hands with three. They were serious relationships; in each one marriage was either proposed or very seriously discussed and/or we shared the same dwelling.

I’ve explored this more since that last discussion and realized that I’ve always just taken for granted that others feel the same way as I do.

For me it is so simple and clear -when you love someone, you hold hands.

You know when you’ve bholding-handseen in a relationship for long enough that you can predict your partner’s order at any restaurant? When you are comfortable enough to leave the bathroom door open and he uses your deodorant because he’s in a rush for work and you just smile because you know he’ll smell like you all day? When you come home from work and the kiss is perfunctory because you’re both rushing to get the pizza/living room ready ready to watch your new favorite HBO show? And when you finally settle into the couch together your bodies fall naturally into routine patterns, twisting until you find just the right place – his arm around your shoulders, her head on your lap? That is the deliciously sweet spot.

It is then that you entwine your hands together, fingers falling naturally into place, (someone’s thumb always in front, the other one’s pinkie always last) without even thinking about it. You stand in line at the grocery store together, your hands stretching apart, fingertips still grasping each other lightly when you lean away to check out the impulse items that always snag your attention. He tugs you back to his side and gives you a mock stern look that says, “No. You always regret this.” You giggle in agreement and silently nod, not a word spoken aloud, now leaning against each other…still holding hands. Or perhaps someone loud, crude and potentially unstable is ahead of you in line and you instinctively reach out to grab your significant other’s hand, only to find them already grabbing yours.

That is hand holding. Anything else is pretend and I just don’t like it! It gives me the heebie jeebies. One-night stands are almost commonplace these days. Ask anyone who watches even the commercials for Sex and the City.

One night hand-holdings are far rarer.

So, my friend’s final question to me is this-

“So, you have to choose, sex or hand holding. Which one is truly more intimate?”

I hesitate and tilt my head questioningly, making seesaw motions with my hands.

“You’re serious?!”

I nod. He laughs. We grab another brewski and talk about bleu cheese versus smoked gouda.

Am I alone in this? Is it that odd?


Deeply Virtuous People Scare Me

August 17, 2009

While on my lunch break at work the other day, an article in one of our many magazines caught my eye. I had just finished a fascinating piece on Stonehenge in the National Geographic and was looking for something a little lighter to chew on. So I picked up one of the more woman geared ‘zines and began to flip idly through it, while absently sucking down mass amounts of water and eating a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

The article that snared my attention was one of a series on love. Love always catches my eye because, well for one, I am a GIRL and two, because I think the topic is such a timeless one; still surprising, full of pitfalls and naked with emotion. In this particular article, the woman writing was discussing her honest and tumultuous journey to “true love”.lolcats love ahhhh

The reason this woman stood out to me was not only the similarity of thought processes I seemed to share with her, but the unabashedly forthright tone she used to tell her story. In a way, the article was not just about her personal love story; it was advice to those of us making our own way through the humbling, sometimes heartbreaking and often terrifying journey of love. She’d found her perfect man on the third marriage (third times a charm, no?) and had learned enough along the way to know this was the one. In her own words,

“…Deeply, Determined Virtuous people scare me. As it turns out, I prefer the full boil to the long simmer and I wish I’d known it sooner.”

I couldn’t agree more.

One particular paragraph was so quotable to me, I immediately rushed to copy it down.

She said,

“Know Yourselves.

Be real and unashamed, even of your faults. I do truly know what he’s made of and vice versa. We are both people who want cutmen and foxhole buddies; we see life as wonderful and difficult and requiring energy and stamina and, occasionally, guile. We don’t mind any of that. We are both bossy and demanding and largely unrepentant. We don’t mind any of that. We yell. We apologize profusely. We are idiosyncratic in our tastes, and we are both quite confident that our taste is better than most people’s (including each other’s). We take sex and family and food seriously and organized religion not at all. We are hard to embarrass and we cry like babies. We are each what the other hoped for.”

Couldn’t possibly have said it better myself. My heart thrilled to this. Every single word rings true for me. This is what I, and perhaps many people, truly want out of a relationship. A place where your faults and your triumphs are met intensely by your lover, where the battleground is Life and your Love is there, staunchly by your side to fight the battle with you, not against you.

If you’d asked me a little over a year ago, “Could you ever love again?”- I would’ve said no. And it would’ve been an emphatic no, knowing full well every single cliché out there about broken hearts and the dramatics thereof. But this time it was my heart that was broken, my unending pain and I couldn’t see even a glimmer of light at the end of the long, lonely tunnel.

I had something tmanwomanboxinghat, on the surface, seemed very much like the above quoted paragraph. Underneath the moments of bliss, it was a horrid situation where two people were trying desperately to force a square peg into a round hole. We both wanted a foxhole buddy but I think it ended up being like two professional boxers wound up and stuck in the same ring. Although I would have to say I was boxing far outside of my weight class, in this particular case.

Finally making the decision to leave rocked my entire world. I’d been in my fair share of relationships and learned many things about myself along the way. Nothing quite like this, though. I was in unfamiliar territory. Maybe, as a friend said to me once, that had more to do with me than the actual relationship. For the first time, I’d let down my walls. I consciously did this, at his request, and opened up completely and warmly to Trust – a foreign concept for me. Although this went largely unrewarded in the end, it was an amazing feeling to invest so willingly and unreservedly into someone without a single thought of the return. I was without guile, without selfishness. Not necessarily my M.O.

So, what did I learn from all this? I have a giant capacity for love. I have a warm, generous heart and the ability for great sacrifice. I do love children (it was questionable for awhile with me) and I am never going to hide who I am again. I learned that being feisty is more than okay, to look out for “numero uno” and to never, ever let myself become completely dependent on another human being.

I can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel and just knowing it is there lifts my heart and mind to higher hills. So, if you ask me now, “Could you ever love again?”, I would have to say, I certainly hope so. I just know what I’m looking for now. I’m looking for my foxhole buddy, my cutman, who believes that sex, family and food should be taken seriously, and the rest of Life should be taken with a grain of salt.

Engagement Announcement – Tal Williams and Laura Love

June 3, 2009

editors note: Tal is not marrying the pooch.
editors note: Tal is not marrying the pooch. That’s Laura and Tal’s dog, Tegan.

Getting Married!

I never thought I would say this but I’m getting married. I feel old just typing it. I’m also surprised that I’m excited about it. I’ve known for a while that I found the right person and we have talked about marriage before but we started talking about it Saturday morning and decided to do it. I think we both asked “do you wanna marry me?” There was lots of giggling involved, not because it was a joke or a whim, just simply because we were happy.

There was no getting down on a knee, no violins, or flashing JumboTron proposals. We are way too cool for that or so we pretend. There is no diamond ring. Laura received many requests to reveal the diamond and had to explain that she doesn’t wear jewelery and spending 5k on a rock to wear on your finger is not really her style. It’s not my style either and I’m relieved as hell that we are on the same page. I’d rather buy a piano or a guitar or a synthesizer. But those things would be for me, so that’s probably a no-go, what about a bigger TV? We are going to get wedding bands though, platinum for her and copper or lead for me. You may be shocked to know that in reality I don’t need a ring to keep the fairer sex at bay, my irresponsible sense of humor and awkward social skills will take care of that. Wearing a ring will be strange. I’ve never worn a ring of any sort, maybe one out of a cereal box, but only for five minutes and then I ate it. I will probably have some weird allergy to the metal and lose the finger. Maybe I should get “MARRIED” tattooed on my forehead.

To maintain the contrarian motif we aren’t having an extravagant wedding with red carpets. There will be no melting ice sculptures of cupid or post coital fowl. There will not be a Ferrari Cake at our wedding. I had one at my super sweet sixteen and someone tried to drive it and I didn’t get a piece!

We will likely get married in the most romantic way possible, paying a visit to the Justice of the Peace! We are going to have a small reception for family and close friends so don’t get butt hurt if your not invited : ) If you are invited and don’t show you will be dead to me and I will cast a spell on you I learned from the real Harry Potter, not the kid in the movie. You will never enjoy cashews again.

On second thought a Ferrari Cake would be way super awesome!

Tal Williams

Tal & Laura Love

Tal & Laura Love

* For more on Tal and his exploits, check out his blog at

How-To: The Infamous Walk of Shame

August 12, 2008

Is it smart to go home with someone the first night and risk sleeping with a serial killer? Does keeping a brand-new toothbrush in your glove compartment reduce the risk of you feeling like a whore the next day? If you leave before he wakes up does the walk out still count as a walk of shame?

Karri at has all the answers here. So true. so true.Ladies, this one’s for you…for the nights you wish you could forget, the ones you happily remember, and those that you hope no one ever finds out about.

– Pocket Ninja