Surviving Midtown Houston

Some important DNC tips on how to make it in Houston’s socialite crowds!

Sunday Fundae Anyone?

Sunday Fundae Anyone?

1. You HAVE to buy some distressed jeans. Preferably True Religion, Sevens, Citizens, or the new rage… AFFLICTION. If your pants don’t have at LEAST three holes, scratches, or loose tassels, then you’re destined for a night standing in the corner.

2. Never EVER wear anything else but a trendy t-shirt. Again, this is a way to prove your alpha manhood so make sure you have at least three manly-graphics on yours. This can include but are not limited to: skulls, pit bulls, crosses, barbed wire, or ________, as long as its manly. For the ultra-cool, you may want to consider a shirt with wings on them. THAT is awesome.

3. On your hair – make SURE you have a new haircut. Spike it, dye the tips blonde, whatever you need to do to look fashionable. Palmade is recommended but if you’re on a budget, try the L.A. Look green bottle located on the bottom shelf of the hair aisle at your local CVS. It’s the choice of 30k millionaires everywhere.

4. Know the DJ, Door guy, Bartender, Janitor, or anyone else at the club. That alone will GUARANTEE your entrance through the velvet rope. Even if you met them one time, act like you’re their best friend. Now, I know you’re asking, “What if I don’t know anyone at the club?” – Easy, just say you know Diego, Amir, Kevin, or Keith! Most clubs are owned by either Hispanic or Mideastern/Arab folks. If not, someone names Kevin or Keith will most certainly be there. Give it a shot!

5. Valet park your 1987 Ford Escort ALWAYS. Nothing impresses the ladies more than you and four of your closest homies, fresh in your Affliction shirts, trendy jeans, and new haircuts getting out right in front of the club and asking the door guy if Keith is working!

6. Wear sunglasses! Day, night, afternoon… it doesn’t really matter. Because NOBODY will ever know that you are wearing glasses for other reasons than the sun getting in your eyes!

7. When you see a hot chick of whom you want to ‘get up in them guts…’ it is NOT important to strike up a conversation or find any common interests. All you have to do is go ahead and offer to buy them a drink. Trust me, they won’t run away after you hand them their beverage.

8. If you see a hot chick that you want to talk to, but she’s within a group of friends, you MUST, above all else, get her all alone so you can throw game. Because girls never ever listen to the opinions of their girlfriends when it comes to new guys they just meet. Like the Rock said, “It doesn’t matter what your name is!”

9. Always start off every conversation with what you do or what car you drive. You HAVE to view everything as a cock measuring contest. And if your job title is all too common (e.g. Janitor, Retail sales rep, doorman) go ahead and take it upon yourself to jazz things up a little. (e.g. Sanitary Engineer, Consumer Consultant, Director of National Safety)

10. Lastly, try really hard to not look like you’re having too much fun! Nobody likes a goof-off. You have to always LOOK serious, even when you’re secretly laughing on the inside!

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